Positive Parenting
A general definition for this term would explain a parenting style that is calm, preventative, and more brings more focus to positive behaviors rather than negative ones. Many parenting programs have adopted the basic principles that correlate with positive parenting. The most widely known being The Triple-P Parenting Program. This evidence based program is founded on years of clinical and empirical research and helps parents approach misbehavior from a more knowledgeable and confident place. Judith Myers-Wall (2004) describes the three main categories that encompass positive parenting.
Positive GoalsThis characteristic focuses on expectations for child, and parent, outcomes. Goals should be focused on desirable behavior rather than misbehavior and should be clearly and explicitly explained to children.
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Positive Parenting MethodsThis area focuses on rewards versus punishment. Parents can manage the environment so that the disciplinary measures are sensitive, responsive, and child-centered.
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Create an Environment to Support SuccessPositive parenting includes demonstrating high levels of love and support to our children, positive family communication, and increased involvement in schooling.
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What is your discipline style? Click here to find out!
Being a 'Mindful' Parent
The quote displayed to the left essentially describes the idea behind being a mindful parent. A general definition in terms of mindfulness regarding behavior can be describe as "...having a clear, calm mind that is focused on the present moment in a nonjudgmental way" (Singh, et al., 2006). Thus, allowing parents time to perceive and respond to their child's behavior in an alternate way than they would have previously. Oftentimes, parents are so caught up in enforcing a measure of discipline they forget to ask themselves what led to their child misbehaving. Asking questions about the environment and circumstances will help parents to adjust how they approach a behavioral issue. Benefits of mindfulness training include increased satisfaction with parenting skills and overall quality of life, emphasized need for unconditional love, breaking barriers of pre-conditioned and outdated parenting techniques, and ability to focus on one thing at a time.
Twelve Exercises for Mindful Parenting
1. Try to imagine the world from your child's point of view, purposefully letting go of your own. Do this every day for at least a few moments to remind you of who this child is and what he or she faces in the world.
2. Imagine how you appear and sound from your child's point of view; imagine having you as a parent today, in this moment. How might this modify how you carry yourself in your body and in space, how you speak, what you say? How do you want to relate to your child in this moment?
3. Practice seeing your children as perfect just the way they are. Work at accepting them as they are when it is hardest for you to do so.
4. Be mindful of your expectations of your children, and consider whether they are truly in your children's best interests. Also, be aware of how you communicate those expectations and how they affect your children.
5. Practice altruism, putting the needs of your children above your own whenever possible. Then see if there isn't some common ground where your needs can also be met. You may be surprised at how much overlap is possible, especially if you are patient and strive for balance.
6. When you feel lost, or at a loss, remember to stand still. Meditate on the whole by bringing your full attention to the situation, to your child, to yourself, to the family. In doing so, you may go beyond thinking and perceive intuitively, with the whole of your being, what really needs to be done.
7. Try embodying silent presence. Listen carefully.
8. Learn to live with tension without losing your own balance. Practice moving into any moment, however difficult, without trying to change anything and without having to have a particular outcome occur. See what is "workable" if you are willing to trust your intuition and best instincts.
9. Apologize to your child when you have betrayed a trust in even a little way. Apologies are healing, and they demonstrate that you see a situation more clearly, or more from your child's point of view. But "I'm sorry" loses its meaning if we are always saying it, or if we make regret a habit.
10. Every child is special, and every child has special needs. Each sees in an entirely unique way. Hold an image of each child in your heart. Drink in their being, wishing them well.
11. There are very important times when we need to practice being clear and strong and unequivocal with our children. Let this come as much as possible out of awareness and generosity and discernment, rather than out of fear, self-righteousness, or the desire to control. Mindful parenting does not mean being overindulgent, neglectful, or weak; nor does it mean being rigid and controlling.
12. The greatest gift you can give your child is your self. This means that part of your work as a parent is to keep growing in self-knowledge and in awareness. We have to be grounded in the present moment to share what is deepest and best in ourselves.
Excerpted from Twelve Exercises for Mindful Parenting by Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn, authors of Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting
2. Imagine how you appear and sound from your child's point of view; imagine having you as a parent today, in this moment. How might this modify how you carry yourself in your body and in space, how you speak, what you say? How do you want to relate to your child in this moment?
3. Practice seeing your children as perfect just the way they are. Work at accepting them as they are when it is hardest for you to do so.
4. Be mindful of your expectations of your children, and consider whether they are truly in your children's best interests. Also, be aware of how you communicate those expectations and how they affect your children.
5. Practice altruism, putting the needs of your children above your own whenever possible. Then see if there isn't some common ground where your needs can also be met. You may be surprised at how much overlap is possible, especially if you are patient and strive for balance.
6. When you feel lost, or at a loss, remember to stand still. Meditate on the whole by bringing your full attention to the situation, to your child, to yourself, to the family. In doing so, you may go beyond thinking and perceive intuitively, with the whole of your being, what really needs to be done.
7. Try embodying silent presence. Listen carefully.
8. Learn to live with tension without losing your own balance. Practice moving into any moment, however difficult, without trying to change anything and without having to have a particular outcome occur. See what is "workable" if you are willing to trust your intuition and best instincts.
9. Apologize to your child when you have betrayed a trust in even a little way. Apologies are healing, and they demonstrate that you see a situation more clearly, or more from your child's point of view. But "I'm sorry" loses its meaning if we are always saying it, or if we make regret a habit.
10. Every child is special, and every child has special needs. Each sees in an entirely unique way. Hold an image of each child in your heart. Drink in their being, wishing them well.
11. There are very important times when we need to practice being clear and strong and unequivocal with our children. Let this come as much as possible out of awareness and generosity and discernment, rather than out of fear, self-righteousness, or the desire to control. Mindful parenting does not mean being overindulgent, neglectful, or weak; nor does it mean being rigid and controlling.
12. The greatest gift you can give your child is your self. This means that part of your work as a parent is to keep growing in self-knowledge and in awareness. We have to be grounded in the present moment to share what is deepest and best in ourselves.
Excerpted from Twelve Exercises for Mindful Parenting by Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn, authors of Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting
The Time-Out Debate
"Time-Out" has to be one of the most widely known and commonly used behavior correcting strategies used by parents. In addition, it is also one of the more controversial methods for disciplining children. It is generally defined as time away from rewarding stimuli as a consequence for misbehavior; it is not necessarily defined as sending a child to a specific place (Morawska & Sanders, 2011). Researchers and theorists have long debated the issue of whether or not this technique is truly effective in squashing misbehavior and reinforcing those that are more desirable. Listed below are just a few of the benefits and potentially adverse effects using "time-out" has with children.
Benefits
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Disadvantages
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Effective time-outs consists of basic steps that encourage your child to calm down in a setting that is safe and effective. This is also an opportunity for YOU, the parents, to calm down as well and provide some distance so that positive energy can be refocused onto the child. "Time-Out" may be exclusionary or non-exclusionary. Exclusionary measures are most commonly associated with time-out procedures and are executed by removing the child from a stressful situation to a separate room or chair. Non-exclusionary practices allow children to observe social interaction, but denies them participation such as taking away a toy or purposeful ignoring. According to www.babyparenting.com, the steps to an effective time out include a (1) warning, (2) explanation, (3) set timer, (4) second explanation, (5) apology, (6) affection, and (7) forgive and forget. When used effectively, time-out can be a constructive mode for adjusting behavior and refocusing of positive energy.
This video describes appropriate and effective execution guidelines to "time-out." Watch and decide how you feel about this well-known disciplinary technique then case your vote!
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Additional Resources
Behavior modifications are now made for the digital age. Now, you can take your parenting toolbox with you on your smart phone or tablet. Below you will find specific applications that can help you create positive opportunities for your child to engage in positive behavior as well as for you to remain consistent and in control by keeping your tools handy! The buttons to the right are linked to websites that might also be helpful as you begin your journey to more effective and positive methods of behavior management!